the healer

Suho sighs as he rubs his face with his hands, shoes clicking against the polished floors of the hospital as he searches in vain for the room Jongin is supposed to be in. The stupid idiot went and broke - how many bones was it again? Suho has to ask himself. The doctor said three bones. Stupid child had been rushing down the stairs of school and tripped. It hadn’t ended well of course and now his wrist was broken, his collarbone fractured, and some bone in his leg was fractured too.

And now, of course, they have to make it impossible to find his room too. The woman at the front desk had made the directions sound so easy, but already Suho feels extremely lost in the hospital. Did she say to turn left or right at this fork? Sighing, he figures he should just find a staff member and ask for help.

Looking down the hallway, Suho sees no one. Apparently they’re not that busy today. Or maybe they are. Oh that sounds like not very much fun. He starts peering into some of the rooms now, wondering if he can find someone who maybe isn’t all that busy. That’s when he finds him.

There’s a nurse talking to a sickly child resting in one of the rooms. The child looks deathly sick, her eyes closed in sleep but her skin a sickly pallor color, and he wonders, briefly, what illness is taking her. The nurse is a young man whispering comforting words to the girl as he places his hands against her chest gently and Suho watches in fascination as a warm glow spreads from his hands and the girl’s chalky complexion begins to become more colorful and warm again. She’s getting better, Suho notes, but that isn’t a kind of medical technique that he’s familiar with.

“What are you doing?” he ends up asking.

The nurse jumps and whips around to face him with wide eyes, relaxing a bit when he notices that Suho is simply a civilian. “I was just talking to her,” he says, motioning to the girl. “She’s sick and her parents are busy working to cover for her medical costs so they have a hard time visiting her. I’m just keeping her company.”

Suho crosses his arms over his chest and nods to the girl. “You just healed her though.”

The nurse looks away bashfully. “I don’t know what you are talking about, sir. I was just talking. Are you here to visit her?”

Suho takes a small step into the room. “Actually I was just looking for some help. You see, there’s someone in this hospital I would like to visit, but I seem to be lost.” He reaches out for the nurses hand, grasping it in his. “Could you help me?”

The nurse opens his mouth to answer but his eyes become dim and his mouth shuts, posture limp though he keeps himself upright. “What’s your name?” Suho asks once he has the nurse under his power.

“Yixing.”

“Did you just heal that girl?”

“I have a gift to help those who are hurt,” is the response.

Suho raises a brow. Kris would have a field day with this one. “Alright, take me to Kim Jongin’s room then?”

It’s after that day when Suho finds him in the hospital that Yixing comes to stay with them, partly because he wants to but mostly because there is nothing better than to have a healer in the household.





There is one problem though with Yixing and Chanyeol is quick to pick up on it. Actually, it’s quite obvious and he doesn’t understand how anyone else could miss it, though if anyone else does take note of it they say nothing to address it. Chanyeol feels like he should though, just to be safe is all. He doesn’t want to be mean, but he thinks sometimes Yixing steps out of line with the way he talks to Kris or looks at him or - God forbid - touches him.

That’s the worst.

When Chanyeol sees Yixing casually touch the elder his blood boils and he grits his teeth and look away because he can’t. He can’t touch Kris without causing harm and it’s terrible. It really terrible. It’s obvious that Yixing likes him - more than he should.

“You know Kris is already taken, right?” he brings up the topic with Yixing one day when it’s just the two of them.

The other looks shocked as he stares at Chanyeol. “Oh, my God. He is? Who is he dating?”

Chanyeol points to himself as if the answer should have been obvious. “Me. He’s dating me.”

Yixing looks like he’s going to be sick. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes. “I am so, so sorry, Chanyeol. I didn’t realize. I thought - I don’t know. I just never guessed...with you and - I’m sorry.”

The taller boy doesn’t expect that kind of reaction but he’s pleased by it nonetheless. At least this way he doesn’t have to be a jerk to Yixing. He seems to know his boundaries. “It’s okay,” Chanyeol says, feeling much less hostile now. “I guess you didn’t realize. It’s not your fault.”

Yixing backs off after that, keeps his interactions professional and Chanyeol kind of likes him a lot because he’s incredibly respectful towards their relationship. Though he does feel a little bad because it is kind of like Yixing’s been rejected too.

But still, despite the steps that he took to warn Yixing about their relationship, Chanyeol’s insecurities mount with the healer’s appearance. It’s never been a problem before. With every new addition, Chanyeol’s only ever loved them, but with Yixing it’s different because it feels like he has to compete with him. It feels like he has to protect Kris to keep here, with him. And even though Yixing does what he can to assure Chanyeol that he means no harm, he can’t help but feel paranoid. Every time their hands accidentally touch or Kris smiles at the other, Chanyeol can’t help but feel that those actions are little hints to their relationship. He can’t help but think that Kris enjoys being able to touch someone so much more than having to be careful with Chanyeol because they can’t touch.

“You’ll control your power,” Kris used to always tell him. “These things just take time.”

But it has taken so much time and still Chanyeol has yet to have that “gut feeling” Kris would talk about. There is nothing. Nothing but warmth and burning and - he shakes his head to dispel the thoughts. He’s not the only one, he supposes. Minseok doesn’t exactly have a hold on his power either and he’s about Kris and Luhan’s age, but he’s still got a better hold on it than Chanyeol. And even when he does lose control and freak out because of all the ghosts and whatever Suho is always there to lull him into a state of sleep, but Suho can’t lull him into anything. Can’t even touch him so he could hypnotize him. There’s nothing to help him.

Then he supposes there’s Luhan. Kind, gentle Luhan who skirts around him and sometimes rubs at his arm where, Chanyeol had learned, he left a burn scar. He always comforts him. Tells him that it took quite some time himself before he mastered his power. He tells Chanyeol that he was older than the boy now before he fully learned to master his ability.

“You don’t get it though,” Chanyeol always says in reply. “It’s not the same.”

“How is it not the same?”

“You don’t hurt people, Luhan. I do.” He lowers his eyes to the floor and picks at the material of his jeans. “It’s different.”

And Yixing is just so perfect. Chanyeol absolutely hates it. Where he causes pain and makes damage, Yixing can mend and heal. They’re complete opposites, and everyone loves Yixing more. He doesn’t hurt people; he helps them. Who doesn’t love someone like that?

Sometimes he wonders if Yixing can tell. He wonders if there’s a point to the looks Yixing gives him - longer and softer looks. He’s yet to feel the burn of Chanyeol’s touch because the younger’s gotten pretty good and refraining from physical contact but he seems like he knows either way. It’s like he knows everything. How much pain Chanyeol can dish out but also how much pain he endures himself. But Yixing can’t heal emotional pain.

It doesn’t work like that.





“You love me, right?” Chanyeol asks Kris a little desperately as they’re getting ready for bed. He’s made a habit out of this lately and it’s not as if Kris never tells Chanyeol that he loves him but it’s weird how the younger has to constantly ask - reassure himself.

Kris raises a brow as he shuffles towards the bed, the younger’s teddy bear in hand because he accidentally left it on the bathroom sink counter after he finished brushing his teeth. “Of course I love you,” he assures the younger boy, holding out the bear Luhan had made years ago. Chanyeol takes it from his hands and crushes the poor thing to his chest as he stares at Kris with uncertainty although his posture relaxes. “Is something the matter, Chanyeol?” he asks, sitting down at the edge of the bed.

The younger shakes his head and lies back on the bed, staring at Kris and willing him to slip underneath the blankets. “No,” he denies. “Nothing’s wrong.”

Rolling his eyes, Kris swings his legs onto the bed and looks down at Chanyeol with a stern expression. “Something is wrong,” he says matter-of-factly. “I’m not that dense, Chanyeol.”

For a moment the younger thinks about what he should do - if he should continue to insist in his lie or to tell him the truth. “Well, I mean it’s just with Yixing and -” he immediately stops at the curious look Kris sends him. For some reason it makes him feel kind of stupid.

“What does this have to do with Yixing?”

At a loss for words, Chanyeol snaps his mouth shut and refuses to say anything further.

Kris is not so easy to give in though and he interprets the younger’s silence as a reason to press further. “Chanyeol, what does this have to do with Yixing? I don’t understand.”

“Nothing,” the boy replies quickly. “It doesn’t have anything to do with him.”

“Then why did you bring him up?”

Chanyeol shrugs his shoulders innocently, lying his way out of it now because it’s the only way he knows how to wiggle his way out of this. “I don’t know. I just...I was just being weird. Like usual, you know?” He smiles brightly at the elder as if to prove his point and Kris smiles back but he can see in the other’s eyes - his eyes that are much older than they seem - that he doesn’t believe him. Not even for a second does he believe him. But he lets it go nevertheless.

“Time for bed,” he announces, slipping under the blanket beside Chanyeol who still doesn’t like blankets in the least bit. It’s always too warm. Even in the dead of winter it’s too warm for him. Kris doesn’t complain about it though. It even helps protect him to some degree and while Chanyeol is incredibly careful even when he’s asleep everyone is prone to mistakes and sometimes Kris wakes up in the middle of the night because of accidental contact but it’s never anything to get worked up over.

Chanyeol holds his bear close and looks at Kris who stares back at him with a schooled expression. “Sleep, Chanyeol.”

With reluctance, the younger boy slips his eyes shut and falls asleep.



Kris keeps a careful eye on his lover after that. Even if Chanyeol won’t just spit out what it is that’s bothering him, Kris knows that there’s something and no matter what lies he tells he still knows that there’s something. So he watches and observes and waits for some sign to give it away, but things seem relatively normal with Chanyeol. He’s as talkative and friendly as ever.

He and Jongin talk about random things and occasionally he annoys Luhan or pesters Jongdae, but all in all he’s just...normal. There’s nothing off really and Kris wonders why he worries until night falls and Chanyeol once again asks for reassurance of the elder’s love.

So he watches harder, looks for the slightest tip off of something wrong and he begins to see it. He has to think back to that one conversation when Chanyeol brought up Yixing. Kris couldn’t figure it out, still couldn’t, but he does notice something strange about the two when they’re together. Chanyeol chats with him just like he would chat with anyone else in the house, but it’s a tad awkward. Sometimes they’ll have long moments of silence between them that will seem to stretch on for hours and other times he’ll pull a joke that Yixing doesn’t really understand which just leads to more nervous laughter on both sides and then Chanyeol inevitably goes off to find someone else to hang out with.

Yixing’s not much different either. He tries his best to keep up conversation with the younger boy, bringing up the most random topics whenever it looks like another bout of silence is ready to pass between them. He, too, talks quite well albeit a bit cautiously. That’s how Kris would describe his words and attitude towards Chanyeol. Cautious. As if the younger were a glass figurine he had to step gently over to make sure he wouldn’t break.

But why? Why do they talk to each other like that?

He still can’t figure it out nor can he put together why Chanyeol had brought up Yixing before. What is it about Yixing? He doesn’t get it.

It takes some more time of observing Chanyeol until he feels like something is wrong. So very, very wrong. And that feeling of wrongness settles in the pit of his stomach and he can’t seem to shake it. It makes him nauseous and sick, but even when he coughs or retches he can’t shake the feeling from him. He can’t dispel it from his stomach where it sits like a festering little monster.

He doesn’t really know where the feeling of wrongness from either. It takes him awhile to notice, but when he does it’s like a smack to the face.

Yes, it’s true that Chanyeol still acts normal. For the most part it’s really hard to understand why, for even a moment, the younger is upset about anything. Chanyeol is never upset about anything. Ever. This is the first time Kris has seen him angered by something, except he doesn’t know what “something” is.

And while Chanyeol keeps up his appearances in front of everyone, he can’t keep them up forever and his mask falters every once in awhile. Kris sees it for the first time ever and it hurts. It hurts to see the normally happy kid who’s always running around having fun with someone suddenly sober up with that kind of look on his face. Like he’s broken and struggling to figure out how to repair himself.

Kris always knew that it would have happened eventually. It happens to everyone and now Jongin is their new baby. The new youngest, but he’s always left Suho to take care of him since he’d been busy with Chanyeol himself.

It’s the worst feeling in the world, he thinks, to watch someone you love deteriorating like this - the way Chanyeol is. And it’s horrible because he’s his boyfriend and he’s supposed to do something about it. He’s supposed to make it so that it doesn’t even happen at all, but he can’t. He knows he can’t because there’s really only one thing Chanyeol wants in the world: affection. And though Kris can shower him with words and little actions he can’t do what the younger boy wants most. He can’t touch him. He can’t help him. He can’t do anything and he realizes that he can’t let Chanyeol go on like this either.

He just can’t.





“I don’t think that we should be together anymore.” Kris pulls Chanyeol aside in the evening to tell him this.

Chanyeol looks floored as he stares at Kris like he can’t even see him. “What?” he asks a bit dumfoundedly. “I don’t - I don’t understand.”

“Chanyeol, let me -”

“I don’t understand.”

“- explain. I -”

“No. I don’t understand.”

Kris seizes him by the shoulders and Chanyeol immediately shuts his mouth. “Chanyeol, just let me explain,” he says calmly, reasonably. The younger boy frowns and clearly doesn’t want to hear what Kris has to say, but he keeps his mouth shut and listens. “You’re not happy.”

His head shoots up and he stares at Kris with an unreadable expression. “I am happy,” he says. “Don’t tell me what I am or what I am not. I’m happy.”

“No you’re not.” Kris shakes his head and his hands slide down Chanyeol’s arms, stopping before the sleeves end and Chanyeol’s skin begins. “I know you’re not happy. I can see it and I know, Chanyeol, I know that I don’t seem like I’m helping right now by doing this but trust me, I am.” He rubs up and down the younger boy’s arm to sooth him, trying to smile but it’s hard because Chanyeol won’t smile back at him.

“You think ending this will make me happier?”

“In the long run -”

“I don’t care about the long run or short run or whatever,” Chanyeol says. Feeling mutinous, he swats the elder’s hands away, not even caring that he’s probably singed him just a little bit. “I’m happy like this. With you.”

Kris sighs and reaches out to lightly touch Chanyeol on the hand but the touch only brings pain, nothing else, and he’s quick to pull it back again. “But I can’t make you happy.”

“That’s not true -”

“Chanyeol.” Kris releases a heavy breath as if he’s trying to breathe out a heavy burden. “Chanyeol, I love you. I love you, but it hurts you to be in this relationship. I can see that and I wish more than anything that I could help make it better, but I can’t. I can’t give you what you need.”

The younger shakes his head and continues to refuse the elder’s words. “No. You said that I would control it eventually, Kris. We just have to wait then, right? I can wait. I can do it.”

“Can you?” Kris asks like he’s challenging him and Chanyeol opens his mouth to say yes. Yes, he can but he ends up closing his mouth again because he can’t really lie to Kris. “It’ll be okay, Chanyeol. Things will get better, but I can’t make them better and I’m sorry for that.”

Chanyeol waves him off dismissively. “It’s not your fault or anything.”

Kris bites his lip and looks at him because even if Chanyeol says one thing, his tone says something else entirely different. “You can still stay with me though,” he offers. “In my room.”

“I don’t want to,” he replies tonelessly. He briefly glances up at Kris before looking away again. “Are we done here then?” He doesn’t wait for the older man to answer before he’s ducking away.

They move all of Chanyeol’s things from his old room with Kris to a new room that no one uses. Yixing wants to offer to room with him even though he’s currently rooming with Luhan because it just doesn’t seem right to let Chanyeol sleep all on his own, but the younger boy refuses to even acknowledge his presence when he tries to talk to him and they’ve never exactly been on the best terms, that’s true, but Chanyeol’s never outright ignored him either.

He watches with pained eyes as Chanyeol trudges into his brand new room all alone and shuts the door quietly behind him. He thinks about going to talk to him but Luhan tells him not to because he needs some time to himself. Reluctantly, Yixing listens to him and walks away from the closed door, feeling like he would regret the action for the rest of his endless life.





“It was because of you wasn’t it?”

Yixing looks up from his cup of coffee at the question to see Chanyeol sitting across from him. He jumps a little in surprise, not having heard the younger wake up before he quickly settles down and glances behind him to see if he’s maybe not talking to him but there’s no one there. He turns back to face the younger boy who’s looking quite sullen and down as he stares at the surface of the kitchen table.

“Pardon?” he asks.

“Kris broke up with me,” Chanyeol states and Yixing isn’t really sure what he hears in his voice. Hurt, definitely, but also nothing. He sounds so blank and flat. “It was because of you, right?”

Yixing doesn’t even hear the question because he’s still stuck on the first part. “He broke up with you?” he says quietly, almost in a whisper and the news is shocking. He guesses it’s not much of a surprise though. Luhan seemed to have known what happened and everyone else kind of avoided the awkward tension that hung around Chanyeol and Kris as they were moving things to the spare room. “Why - why would he do that?”

Furrowing his brows together, Chanyeol finally lifts his head up so he can look at the other. “Because of you,” he accuses, his voice a little harder now and he sounds almost angry. Yixing backs down a little. He doesn’t need or want Chanyeol to be angry with him. “Because you love him.”

“I never told him anything,” Yixing denies as he shakes his head. “He was yours as far as I was concerned.”

Chanyeol’s lips tremble and his eyes become glassy and Yixing has seen this all too many times. He knows the tears are coming. It’s never been about heartbreak before though. Whenever he sees it, it’s because he’s witness to the pain and suffering a family or a person must endure because of the loss of a loved one. That’s the horror of working in a hospital. All those lives lost and no matter the person there’s always someone who misses them.

In this case though it’s not as if Kris is dead or dying, but Yixing supposes that the loss is just as hard. He doesn’t know the relationship between Kris and Chanyeol. Can’t even begin to comprehend it. He doesn’t know the first thing about them, how they met, how long they’d been together, but a loss is a loss and Yixing knows how to handle that.

He sets his coffee aside and slips out of his chair. Chanyeol doesn’t know if he moves that quickly or if his mind is just slow today but Yixing is before him so fast it almost sends him reeling out of his chair. Then the elder suddenly pulls him into a hug, holding him close. Chanyeol blinks and a tear falls free, sliding down his cheek and landing on Yixing’s nice shirt.

“It’s okay,” Yixing tells him softly. “You’re strong, Chanyeol. You can get over this.”

His brain barely registers any of the words though, his mind too focused on the actions. “Let go,” he says hoarsely.

Yixing shakes his head and uses his fingers to comb through the younger’s messy hair.

“Let go.” Chanyeol begins to struggle against him but immediately stills when he hears Yixing release a tiny little hiss. “Seriously. Let go, Yixing. I’m hurting you.” Panic settles in. He’s never ever tried to touch someone for this long and the other just won’t let go. Bringing his hands up to Yixing’s chest, he pushes hard, tearing them away from each other. “Don’t touch me.”

“Chanyeol -”

“I burned you!”

“You needed a hug,” Yixing argues. “I know what it’s like to lose someone, Chanyeol. I know how to help. You needed that. You needed a hug.”

“Who have you lost?” Chanyeol snaps. It’s just meant to be a way for him to lash out, but Yixing stands firmly despite all the anger and hate and sadness the other spews at him.

“My mother,” he says. “My father. My entire family. They’re all gone now. I watched them die without me and I wish more than anything that there had been someone there to help me but there wasn’t. I was on my own.” He smiles, a little satisfied when Chanyeol flinches and backs down. “Death isn’t a boundary that can be crossed back and forth - well, I suppose unless you’re Minseok. I know it hurts, but Kris is still here. He’s still here for you.”

“Have you ever been rejected before?” he asks.

Yixing hesitates. He’s never really been that interested before Kris, always content to be on his own. “No.”

“Then you don’t understand,” Chanyeol tells him. “It’s a different kind of pain.” He bites his bottom lip and chews on it thoughtfully for a moment as he looks at the elder. “That was my first hug,” he eventually says. “Well, since this whole mess started.” He stares down at his hands as if blaming them for everything.

Yixing almost blanches but manages to keep himself composed. Chanyeol is unique, he reminds himself. Something as mundane as a hug sometimes seems miles away to him. “Really? How was it?”

“Horrible.” Yixing feels a pang in his chest when Chanyeol shoots him down. He’d only been trying to help. “I thought that hugs were supposed to feel nice, but mine only brings pain. Hugs are horrible.”

“I’ll...” Yixing begins but he doesn’t know what to say. “I’ll change your mind about that.”



He tries his hardest to change Chanyeol’s mind apparently. It’s probably the strangest thing ever to watch Yixing give Chanyeol a hug when it’s obvious in every sense that he’s being hurt in the process. He touches Chanyeol’s hand here and pulls him into a hug there and he’s always really, really red by the end of the day. Then the next day he waltzes out of his room as if nothing ever happened and it’s like he’s brand new when he steps out. His flesh is back to its original pale color and it’s like Chanyeol never hurt him at all.

It’s a nice illusion to fall under, he thinks. Though he’s sure he burns Yixing almost each and every day, by morning he wonders if he did any damage at all because burns can’t heal that fast. The idea almost pleases him and he eventually starts to relax under Yixing’s touches.

Luhan watches them wearily and Kris often protests though Yixing ignores him. At least Yixing tries, Chanyeol thinks which is more than he can say about certain other people. He dares to say he even likes it until he comes to realize how exactly Yixing comes back looking brand new each day.

Yixing’s a healer and Chanyeol is stupid for forgetting that.

He catches Yixing in the middle of healing up some newly acquired burns when he remembers this. It’s not even so much that he catches him either. When he stumbles upon Yixing, the elder only smiles and waves before returning to his work while Chanyeol looks on in horror.

It’s a reminder really.

It’s a reminder that Chanyeol has been living in a fantasy world where his power is gone and he’s free at last, but it’s not his reality. Seeing Yixing like this causes reality to smack him in the face. He’s still not in control. He still hurts people, as he’s been hurting Yixing this whole time, and the elder is a healer. That’s why he comes out seemingly brand new each day. It hurts him. Oh yes, it hurts him, but he can heal those wounds and take away those scars but that doesn’t change anything. Chanyeol still only, always hurts.

Then it’s like something inside him snaps and he can’t ever repair that part of him again.

The next time Yixing touches him, Chanyeol kicks up a shit storm. He rages and threatens Yixing not to touch him again “or else.” Not surprisingly, Kris is appalled by his behavior and snaps at him. Surprisingly, though, Chanyeol rears back on him and snaps back twice as viciously. Luhan, Jongdae, and Suho sit frozen in place as they watch the exchange. Minseok seems scared and Jongin only laughs. Kris and Yixing only watch a bit horrified but mostly saddened as Chanyeol retreats to his room and refuses to come out for the following few days.

He changes then. The bright boy who had eagerly welcomed Jongdae and Minseok and who had played pranks on Suho with Jongin is gone now and in his place is a person Kris had hoped would never appear. But he has and now they all have to deal with the consequences.




Jongin blinks as he passes by Chanyeol’s room. The door is open (which it never is) and Yixing is shuffling around inside, moving things and tidying up. Curious, Jongin moves in closer and watches as the elder cleans Chanyeol’s messy room.

Said owner had gone off on a walk to blow off some steam after he and Kris had a particularly bad fight. The elder is still holing himself up in his room as far as Jongin knew and Chanyeol...well, who really knows where he went? He’s like a spitfire to be sure, but he’s not idiotic either. Jongin trusts him anyways.

“What are you doing?” he finally asks because he cannot for the life of him figure out what the hell Yixing is doing in Chanyeol’s room.

The elder jumps at the sound of his name and whips around, relaxing when he sees that it’s only Jongin. “I’m just,” he looks around the once messy room and motions to it, “cleaning.”

Jongin blinks and leans against the doorframe. “Are you going to clean my room next?”

Yixing scowls at him. “Don’t be silly. You can clean your own room.” He turns to the bed and begins making it.

The younger boy pouts at the rejection, but doesn’t leave. “What the hell? You’ll clean Chanyeol’s room for no reason, but when I ask you say no? You’re so weird.”

Yixing sighs as he pulls Chanyeol’s blanket off the bed. Jongin just doesn’t get it. He’s not some kind of housemaid nor is he doing this for no reason. Maybe it’s not a very good reason, but he still has a reason. It’s like his weird way of trying to make things right between them again. It’s really not all that hard to tell that Chanyeol blames him for a lot of things like his break up with Kris and maybe Yixing has a lot to do with his current state right now. After all he’s no idiot. He just knows people too well.

The way Chanyeol reacted when he saw Yixing healing his burns had been a dead giveaway and while he still doesn’t think it’s really all that warranted for Chanyeol to blame him for his breakup, he understands why he does. It was fairly obvious to him how consumed with self-loathing the younger boy is, but he hides it - covers it up by hating others and Yixing can’t help but worry. Being in the medical realm and all Yixing, as well as everyone else, sees how unstable Chanyeol is, but he can go a step farther. He can foresee things that he can’t let happen, but Chanyeol won’t let him near enough to help, so he tries it through other means. Like cleaning his room as a sign of good faith (not that he’ll care either way when he returns home).

“I’m sure you can get Suho to clean your room since it is his room too,” Yixing tells him, straightening out the blankets. He moves for the pillow next, thinking that he might change the covers when he pauses and stares at what’s hiding beneath it. “What’s this?” he asks, picking up a toy bear.

Jongin looks over at his question and purses his lips. “That thing? I think Luhan made it for him a long time ago or something,” he answers.

“Why is he hiding it under his pillow?”

“Well at his age isn’t it kind of embarrassing to use stuffed animals still?”

Yixing turns and gives him an annoyed look. “You are so unhelpful,” he sighs, setting the pillow down and resting the bear against it. He cocks his head to the side and stares at the little bear. “It is kind of cute though.” It looks dirty from years of use, but too delicate to be washed.

“I know. Chanyeol has it so hard, right?” Jongin sighs dramatically. “Luhan makes him a teddy bear and you clean his room for him. Oh, all the hardships the poor boy must endure!”

“Lay off him,” Yixing snaps. “He’s having a tough time.” Jongin only laughs and shakes his head because he’s just kidding. He’s always just kidding. “And anyways, don’t you have Suho?”

Jongin’s smile drops and he pouts at the mention of his roommate’s name. “We’re not dating or anything,” he says.

Yixing looks at him with wide eyes. “You’re not? I must be really bad at this.”

“Nope.” Jongin shakes his head and shrugs. “He says I make him feel like a pedophile. As if I’m not going to grow up eventually. I’m almost done with junior high. I think I know when I want to date someone. And anyways, it’s not like I’m going to get old any time soon. What if I look like this forever? Will he still not want to date me?”

Yixing huffs as he straightens up and walks over to Jongin. He gives the other a strange look before patting him on the head. “I’ve heard worse problems before. You’ll get over it.” Jongin scoffs and then proceeds to annoy Yixing about cleaning his room too.





Chanyeol looks up before quickly looking away when Yixing enters his room a few nights later. The elder hasn’t fessed up to cleaning his room, but he knows not that it really matters (other than the fact that Yixing found his precious bear and that’s just humiliating but he pretends it never happened). “Do you want something?” he asks a bit rudely as he pulls his blanket over his head and turns on his side. He hates the blanket. It’s too hot in his room and he feels suffocated, but it’s a nice barrier between him and Yixing so he keeps it there.

Clearing his throat, Yixing enters the room and closes the door behind him because Chanyeol hadn’t turned him away which basically meant that he was welcome to enter if he so wanted to. “I thought we could talk,” he says as he shuffles towards the bed.

The younger turns over abruptly in his bed so he’s facing Yixing and he halts on his way over. “About what?” he asks.

Hesitating, Yixing ends up taking the last few steps towards the edge of the bed despite the unfriendly gaze Chanyeol is sending him. “I thought about that conversation we had once,” he says. “About the different kinds of losses and how they feel different.”

“So?” He narrows his eyes at the older male and hides half his face beneath the blanket. “Don’t even try and tell me that you understand -”

“I don’t,” Yixing assures quickly. “I don’t think I ever could. You and I are too different.” He pauses for a moment as Chanyeol reluctantly pulls his blanket down, no longer hiding any part of his face though there is still a frown on his lips. “I know you don’t like me very much. And I know it’s because we’re like polar opposites,” he laughs here like it’s some kind of funny joke, but Chanyeol doesn’t really look amused. “You burn people; I heal them. It kind of makes us natural enemies I guess. But you’re right. I won’t ever understand what it’s like to be you. I can’t understand what it’s like to hurt when you want to heal, but I can understand you just a little bit better.”

“How?”

Yixing folds his arms over his chest and shifts his weight to his left foot. “I told him,” he says slowly. “About...you know, my feelings.”

Chanyeol averts his gaze down to his bedsheets with a putoff expression. “Oh.” That’s all he can really manage. Oh. Oh, that’s nice. Oh, good for you. What’s he supposed to say in this situation. It’s not even that it’s all that surprising though it is a bit disappointing. “Well, I guess congratulations then and -”

“He rejected me.”

Again, Chanyeol can’t really manage to say much so another “Oh” escapes him. His eyes seem to move on their own and he finds himself looking up at Yixing again. “Why would he do something silly like that?” He tries to smile but he can’t really manage it. He’s relieved on one hand because it would have really sucked to watch Kris move on so fast, but on the other hand he’s not really happy either.

Sighing, the elder lets his arms drop limply to his side. “Are you blind or something? He loves you, Chanyeol. You, not me.”

Chanyeol brings the blanket up so half his face is covered once more. “He broke up with me.”

“He has his reasons I’m sure, but the point still stands. He doesn’t like me. He likes you. So yes, I do know what it’s like to be rejected now.” He releases a shuddery breath as he recalls his earlier interaction with Kris. “Even though I kind of already expected it, it was a terrible feeling.”

The younger sinks further into his blanket. “I’m sorry about that.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for,” Yixing assures him as he heads for the door again. He figures it’s about time to leave Chanyeol alone. “I just thought I would prove it to you.”

Chanyeol doesn’t even look at him. “Prove what to me?”

“That I wasn’t the reason Kris broke up with you because he never knew I liked him and he never liked me anyways.” The door opens and closes and Chanyeol brings the blanket all the way up to hide underneath it. In his logical mind he thinks that he should probably feel guilt ridden and sorry and probably apologize profusely to Yixing, but he can’t bring himself to roll out of his bed. He’s still mad at the other for all the wrong reasons. Still mad that Yixing was born to heal and he wasn’t; still mad that Yixing had him buy into the illusion that things were getting better when nothing had changed. He’s still mad and that anger blinds him.

So he stays holed up in his room: alone and angry.





“Yixing told me that he confessed to you,” Chanyeol says when Kris asks him if he needs something.

The elder raises a brow because that isn’t really what he expects Chanyeol to talk about, but he nods his head anyways. “Yes, that’s true.”

“You rejected him.”

Kris nods his head again. “I did.”

“Why did you do that?”

Kris gives Chanyeol a strange look like he doesn’t even understand where this question is coming from. “What do you mean why? Chanyeol, I wasn’t about to just turn my back on everything and date him.”

“Why not?” Chanyeol defends, feeling a little bit insulted. “I’m not a baby. I’m not fragile!”

“Liar.” Kris reaches for the younger boy’s hand touching him ever so slightly despite knowing the pain that accompanies that touch. “You’re fragile. You’re so, so fragile and I wish I could have been able to protect you but -” His eyes widen when Chanyeol jerks his hand away and his gaze hardens. He’s not used to it still - this new Chanyeol who acts all strong and tough like he doesn’t need anybody.

“Don’t touch me,” he growls.

But he does need someone. Everyone does.

“Chanyeol -”

“Just,” Chanyeol sighs as he hides his hands behind his back. “You don’t have to hold yourself back from something on my account. I don’t care.”

Kris is just sad that he couldn’t be the somebody that Chanyeol needs.

“I don’t like him, not the way he likes me.”

“Yet,” Chanyeol supplies unhelpfully. “Look, you already hurt my feelings, okay? Why do you have to go and do it to someone else now too? You’re just - you're a jerk!” He says the last part hurriedly before he turns and runs out of the room, too embarrassed to stay there any longer. Kris just stares after him, more than a little dumbfounded.



He really shouldn’t have been surprised. It really shouldn’t have caught him off guard at all when Minseok’s huge mouth let it slip that Yixing and Kris were dating. “Well, actually they’re in that awkward dating stage,” he tells Jongin who looks like he really doesn’t give a shit. “They’re feeling each other out I guess, seeing if they both like each other.”

“Wow,” Jongin says boredly. “That’s fascinating.” Minseok pouts at him and Jongin decides that he has better ways to waste his time like not-so-secretly stalking Suho or something.

Luhan is just as happy, but he’s a little more quiet about it, keeping an eye on Chanyeol at all times who pretends to be oblivious to it all even though it’s impossible not to know. Neither of them do much in front of him. They try and pretend like whatever they have doesn’t exist when Chanyeol’s around which is both a blessing and an annoyance because Chanyeol’s pretty sure that he already made it clear to Kris that he’s not that fragile.

Though he did see them kiss once. It was a really awkward peck and Chanyeol had just cringed and walked away, never telling anyone what he saw.

He’s good at hiding it though. Hiding everything. He puts on a smile whenever someone’s around especially when that someone is Kris or Yixing and he pretends to go back to normal. Everything feels like a charade lately. Being everyone’s friend feels like a charade now - like none of it is actually real - and this isn’t the kind of life he wants to live but he pretends. He keeps pretending because inevitably someone is watching him.

Yixing notices this all though. He took note of it awhile ago back before any of this happened, back before he really knew Chanyeol. He’s a nurse and he can see these things, but he doesn’t really know who to go to, so he just blurts it out hoping that if he speaks up someone will do something about it.

“We should talk about Chanyeol,” he says to Kris one night in a hushed whisper.

“What? Why?” It’s not that Kris doesn’t want to talk about Chanyeol or anything, it just seems like a bit of a random topic to him.

“There’s something wrong with him. It’s not sitting right with me. I think we should get Luhan to monitor him more closely or something.”

“Yixing, what are you talking about? And Luhan isn’t exactly a security system.” Kris is careful where he touches the other when he grabs him, a habit left behind from Chanyeol though the younger never seems to notice.

“I’ve worked at hospitals for too long, Kris,” he says. “I have seen so many different kinds of people with all sorts of problems and, rare as they are, I’ve seen people like Chanyeol too.”

Kris shakes his head, not comprehending at all. “What do you mean people like him? What’s wrong?”

“There’s a rare cross in people’s moods where someone can be depressed and manic at the same time,” Yixing tells him. “Can you even imagine that? Someone with the mindset of a depressed person but with the energy of a manic? It’s the worst combination you can ask for. That’s just a recipe for suicide.”

Kris tenses up so fast it surprises Yixing. “Oh, God. You don’t think that -” He’s interrupted by a loud bang that echoes in the house and causes both of them to jump. The sound is quickly followed up with a shriek and someone’s screaming so loud that at first Kris wonders if there was even a bang at all or if it was just screaming the entire time.

Yixing moves quickly though, rolling off the bed and running out the door. Kris follows after him in a daze, not really sure what to do other than that he should follow Yixing wherever he’s going. They run down to Chanyeol’s room where Suho is pulling Jongin away from the door, holding a hand over his eyes as the younger chokes and sobs and releases a pitiful whimper. Kris feels like everything is happening so slowly as he turns his head to watch Suho go and it isn’t until Yixing slams the bedroom door shut in his face that everything seems to go back to normal.

“Yixing!” he calls in alarm, trying to door and huffing when he finds it locked.

“Go away!” the younger’s muffled voice comes through the door.

“What happened! Is Chanyeol alright?” He turns when he hears footsteps coming down the stairs and Luhan stops midway down and just stares at him, his eyes red though no tears fall. “Did you see what happened?” he asks.

Luhan grips the banister of the staircase hard and shakes his head. “No. I only saw how he is now.”

“How is he?”

Luhan doesn’t answer as he covers his mouth and chokes down a sob.



With a shuddering breath, Luhan pulls his hand out from the bucket of water and turns to Minseok who is sitting beside him with his chin resting against his fist. Jongdae sits across from them, his lips pursed and his eyes trained down on the pistol Yixing had finally given up and thrown out of the room when the others insisted to know what happened. A tray of cookies sit abandoned and shoved to the end of the table, freshly baked but untouched. Only Jongin, who appears to have witnessed everything if the way he is completely shaken up doesn’t give it away, and Luhan (and of course Yixing) seem to know what’s happened, but with the appearance of the gun, everyone seems to get the gist.

Jongin is in the living room with Suho, wrapped up in a warm blanket with Suho talking gently to him while trying to lull him into sleep. But the shock seems to have been too much and not even Suho’s hypnosis can remedy this. Kris is sitting restlessly by Chanyeol’s door, occasionally trying to talk to Yixing so he knows that everything is alright, but again and again the healer refuses to answer him meaning that he either has only bad news or he’s very focused at the moment.

“He can’t die,” Jongdae hears Suho tell Jongin in the living room. “He’s like us remember? He’ll be just fine.”

“Put it to his head,” Luhan says quietly as he stares down at the gun. “It almost killed him.” He talks lowly so the two in the living room can’t hear them.

Minseok stares at him for a moment in shock. “But we can’t die,” he says. “I mean, I’m sure it did a number on him but there’s no way he would have died from it, right?”

Luhan frowns as he stares down into his bowl of water, displeased at the reflection that he sees there. He could have stopped this. If he had just been watching he could have stopped all of this. “Anyone can die,” he says. “It’s just harder to kill us. If it weren’t for Yixing he might have -” Luhan forces himself to stop right there and close his eyes. No, he’s not going to say it. He’s not going to go there. It looks as if Yixing has everything under control so he’ll trust that he does.

Minseok looks over to Jongdae who is still eyeing the gun rather intently. The elder tenses in his chair and looks at Jongdae for a good hard moment, studying him. Then he suddenly blurts out, “Don’t you dare Kim Jongdae.”

The younger blinks and then looks up at him. “What?”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Minseok says and he has that look again. That same look he had when Kris found them all those years ago. That look of betrayal that drove Jongdae to do the unthinkable and it was just sad he how had failed so miserably next to Chanyeol. “Don’t do it again. Don’t try. You have to stay here with me, remember?” His gaze briefly flickers down to the gun again and Minseok snatches it from the table and hides it on his lap. “Remember!”

Jongdae smiles as if nothing happened and he shakes his head. “Yes, of course I remember. How could I ever forget?” Minseok relaxes at his answer.

Luhan looks down at his friend’s lap and holds his hand out discreetly. Without hesitation, Minseok hands the pistol over underneath the table and Luhan wraps it tightly in his hands. He’ll get rid of it just in case. Where did Chanyeol even get - no. He doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t care. All he wants is to know that Chanyeol is safe again.



Chanyeol blinks his eyes open, feeling a bit tired but other than that perfectly fine. In his arms is the teddy bear Luhan made for him and he frowns when he sees a little blood stain on its arm and body. Gross.

“I’m sorry,” Yixing says when he sees that Chanyeol is awake. “I got him a little dirty.”

“What happened?” he asks feeling a bit groggy, rubbing at his eyes as if he just woke up from a good night’s sleep instead of having just woke up from death.

“You tried to kill yourself,” Yixing reminds him a bit sardonically because he can’t understand how Chanyeol can be acting this way. After everything he just did and with everyone worrying outside. This is no laughing matter, not that Chanyeol is laughing but he could at least handle things a bit more seriously. “It was quite the pain in the ass to heal you up too.”

Chanyeol frowns. “Then why did you bother?”

Yixing gapes at him. “You can’t be serious, right? Chanyeol, everyone is outside so worried and - God! - I don’t even know what happened to Jongin -”

“He saw,” Chanyeol replies.

“What?”

“He came to ask me something when I was...” he trails off and looks down at his blood stained bear. He’ll have to get all that blood out somehow. “I didn’t mean for him to see.”

“You came close you know,” Yixing tells him as he motions for Chanyeol to get up so they can change the barely blood stained sheets. “I didn’t think anything could kill us, but it really seemed like you had gotten there.” He rips off the bed sheets as soon as Chanyeol is off and bunches them in his arms to wash later. He also takes the bear from him, promising to wash it for him as well. “You can’t just die though. Everyone would miss you.”

Chanyeol scoffs at that like it were the greatest joke he’d ever been told and Yixing frowns at him for it. “Things will get better.”

“Nothing will get better,” Chanyeol says bitterly.

Unable to stay in the room any longer, Yixing takes the sheets and the bear and departs, leaving Chanyeol in the room to fend for himself as Kris barges in right afterwards, demanding to know what happened and if he’s okay and “God, please don’t ever do that again.”



When Chanyeol sees his teddy bear clean and looking brand new on his bed it makes him feel slightly better and he stuffs the thing underneath his pillow to hide it. There. Everything’s better. Just like Yixing said.